I.
I’m thinking about myself too much again. I’m second-guessing how to be myself, and it’s making everything so much harder. I’ve undergone so many changes in the past few years, been so many new versions of myself along the way that I can’t tell who I’m supposed to be. Who am I when I’m not overthinking myself?
(Is this just a neurodivergent thing or…?)
When I went north last weekend to visit two of my oldest friends, I discovered that I didn’t question myself as much. I wasn’t stressed about not speaking up. In some ways, I was more talkative because it was easier to just speak my mind and be myself without overthinking. But at the same time, I didn’t notice the silence as much because I felt really safe. This is how it’s always been and there’s nothing wrong with that and I don’t have to be anything. I fell back into the usual patterns, cleaning up messes and soothing anxieties. And those two know me as well as my family because they’ve been there.
Silence in relationships makes me uncomfortable these days. Partly because I feel like the silence means I’m not doing enough and partly because I fear the silence means there’s something wrong. Am I uncomfortable with the silence because the universe has told me silence is bad? Or am I just so anxious that I’ve trained myself to hate the silence?
II.
a starter pack for your 1st saturn return (also known as your late twenties)
Unlearning Shame by Devon Price, PhD
Light, Dark, Light Again by Angie Mcmahon
A playlist of songs from your youth (for me it’s “Unwritten” and “The Tide Is High” - the Atomic Kitten version)
Your favorite movie from when you were a pre-teen (for me it’s Sleepover, 2004)
Kiki’s Delivery Service (1989)
A good therapist
Couples Therapy (the Showtime show with Orna)
Queer Eye
Ted Lasso
III.
a few takeaways from spending 4.5 months of instagram and twitter
Even though I got rid of Instagram and Twitter, I still am finding weird ways to scroll mindlessly. I’m still stuck on Tumblr, and I’ve even spent a few nights spiraling down the workings of Youtube (I found Glee compilations…it’s bad folks.) and obviously I scroll Substack too. I’ve resorted to scrolling Facebook like it’s 2009, and that’s a hellish existence because it’s like Instagram but WORSE somehow, if only because the suggested short-form videos on there are so annoying that they make me angry. While I do think a lot of these types of scrolling are better for me than I+T, I am still forced to reconcile with the fact that not much has changed. That I’m still stuck in the algorithm in a different way. Something to work on in the future I guess.
Anytime I interact with reels or tiktoks or short-form video content now, it feels all kinds of wrong and I want it to stop as soon as possible. Even when friends send me short videos and I take the time to watch them to understand where they’re at…I feel less and less entertained by them.
The algorithm of each platform’s “for you” page (or just suggested posts) is actually the scariest place and concept, and it makes me so uncomfortable because I can pause a fraction of a second on a post just to understand it on Tumblr and then suddenly my entire dash is flooded with posts of something I do not understand and did not ask for. Sometimes it’s too accurate and that’s terrifying, but it’s worse when you can tell the algorithm changed just because you looked at one specific post.
More and more I find that my tolerance for ads and the algorithm and mainstream social media is way lower than it used to be. I hate the algorithm, I hate the increase in AI content, I hate the ads, I hate the influencers, I hate the short-form video content, I hate the suggested posts, I hate that you cannot control almost anything about your feed or the things you see, I hate that it makes me feel like I want to post constantly and overshare and reveal every detail about my life, I hate that it encourages doomscrolling and fear and anxiety about current affairs, I hate that I spend more time judging people’s morality based on their consumption and social media posting, and I hate that it’s a black hole that never ends. The great thing about Tumblr is that I do eventually get caught up on my dash. I do start seeing the same posts over and over and that tells me I’ve been on too long and the fridge is empty and no matter how many times I open it I cannot change the contents inside. I knew all these things about Instagram, how it made me feel, but now my tolerance is lower and so is my patience and I just do not want any part of that if I can help it.
IV.
If I’m being honest, it’s been really challenging lately. I’ve had to dig into reading a little more than usual, trying to embrace escapism when I can. It’s been harder to force myself to get ready for work, to eat regular (good) meals, to go out and socialize. I’m not depressed, per say, I think I’m just stuck and burnt out. Life feels uninspiring again. (Maybe my body knows that summer is fast approaching and it’s about to get hot hot hot.) I drive home from work and I feel utterly drained, even though we really haven’t been super busy lately. I want to hang out with people, but then when I do, I feel like I have nothing to offer to the conversation. I’ve had to do a lot of life admin lately that has made me anxious and frustrated and overwhelmed, and having a 9-5 makes it all so much more difficult.
And I know I’m overthinking everything all at the same time, but god I just wish I could have one good night of sleep.
V.
a list of things i’ve been enjoying recently
Funny Story by Emily Henry
The Spirit Bares Its Teeth by Andrew Joseph White
My brand new Kindle (my Nook turned 12 the other day and my used Kindle Fire was acquired three and a half years ago & cannot hold a charge to save its life…)
Libby (the library app) tags and making lists of TBR books
Nora Sakavic’s extra content about All For the Game
“loml” & “So High School” from TTPD
The Idea of You soundtrack (yeah, I know, I’m sorry)
Nashville Severe Weather guys (we’ve been having so much bad weather over here, I hate living in a tornado state)
Cocoa Pebbles (yes, the cereal)
The new Wicked trailer
The first episode of Fallout (one day I’ll watch the rest of it I swear)
VI.
I reached a point last week where I realized I didn’t want to write. And I don’t feel compelled to make a huge post about going on hiatus, or talk about how I just have a case of writer’s block, how I’m burnt out or stuck or lost or whatnot. I don’t feel bad about not writing. I’m actually really shocked that for over twenty weeks I’ve been putting out consistent newsletters. Kinda wild how fast time flies when you’re exploring your inner world and broadcasting it to a few hundred people online. Point here is that writing is a hobby and even though it’s easy to get caught up in Substack culture, the whole reason I started writing newsletters is to spark joy in myself. And right now I feel a little like a scooped out jar of peanut butter. Mined. Empty. Hollow.
And guess what! That’s okay!
I’m currently in Yosemite (or at least, a few hours away). I get to spend a few glorious days soaking up the sun with Jules, and I’ve been dreaming about traveling here for quite a long time. And when we get back home, I get to see Noah Kahan in concert and then one of my best friends is coming to stay with me for a few days and then I get to see Bleachers in concert too. There’s so much good coming to me, and even though it’s been an exhausting month so far (only getting more tiring…) I am hopeful that time with my people will reset me a little.
Writing gave me a little spark when I was stuck inside, but now I’m ready to get out and shake some things up. Gotta do some more living, I think.
Resonating with so much of this Jenna. I hope you have a restorative summer. 🍃
❤️❤️❤️