wrapping up april

we've officially lost the plot

Apr 24, 2025

I think I’ve decided that April is in my top 5 months of the year. Possibly even top 3. There’s just something about it that’s so refreshing. Maybe it’s because it feels like my birthday month, if only because I spend most of the month anticipating when the calendar flips over to May. Mostly I think it’s because the weather is perfect. It’s not quite consistently hot, you’re not drowning in humidity, and even though it tends to rain a lot, it’s not too much. There are plenty of sunrises. The trees are flowering, turning green, growing new leaves. It’s the best weather for windows-down driving.

I spend almost eight hours a week commuting to and from work. It’s worst during the school year. For some reason, when school lets out in the summer, there are fewer cars on the road. If I’m lucky I can do the drive in 25 minutes, but if I leave two minutes late, it’ll be a long hour, full of stops and starts and way too many people.

I try not to be bitter about my commute. It’s a little easier when the weather’s nice because I can roll down my windows and turn on my music and imagine I’m in a music video just like I did on the bus in middle school. Recently I’ve been putting on the fABLE side of SABLE, fABLE, the new Bon Iver record, in the mornings because that album feels like back-road, spring mornings, and I’ve found a rhythm in that. I remind myself that it’s a gift to have a car, to have a job, to live alone, to be exactly where I am.

But damn, sometimes I’m bitter about my commute. About the lost hours in the day. In the time I am wasting of my one precious life, waiting in traffic, slowing down my car to the miserable 15MPH necessary to go over those damn speed bumps. I pass by the construction that ruined my straight-shot path to work and curse it daily, wondering how long they will make us suffer through this waiting. (It’s been six months. The entire project should be finished in 2027. Will they make us wait that long for this one singular road?)

I feel like I’m losing a lot of time these days. I scroll (a little) less than I used to, so I guess I have more time that I used to, but still there is this sinking feeling when the clock hits 10pm and I think to myself, Another day wasted. My to-do list is battling with my to-read list is battling with my executive dysfunction. How long have those dishes been in the sink? When does that book have to go back to the library? When was that client photoshoot that I still haven’t edited?

It’s a blessing to be busy. I know that it helps with that stuck-in-a-time-loop feeling. It forces me to get out of the house, to stay focused, to actually do things. But it’s also a painful reminder I’m not doing enough. There’s always more to do. So much of adult life is doing things just to do them again next week or next month. Time for another oil change. Make another doctor’s appointment. Celebrate yet another birthday.

I never really felt like I was “running out of time” in my twenties. I used to be scared of thirty, but less because I was worried I wouldn’t accomplish everything and more because it just sounded…old. (Sorry.) It symbolized the passage of time. It proved that I would one day have to face the consequences of my current actions. It suggested that in the not-so-distant future, I would have to stare down the barrel of the gun and confront my mortality. (Yeah, I’m fun at parties.)

For me, the fear isn’t being able to prove that I did something. I know I have accomplished a lot. I’m driven and ambitious, and very self-motivated. I get shit done. It’s one of my neurodivergent superpowers. I have always been more afraid that I wouldn’t get to experience certain things. Like if I don’t read that specific book, I will never know just what it’s about, just how it feels, just what it could potentially do for me and my life. I want to try everything because I just want to know things. I just want to have the experience. I just want to revel in the feeling of being human.

Let’s face it, I’ve accepted that I have no legacy. I’m not getting married, I won’t have children, and I’m not optimistic that anybody in my life will really want to carry the essence of me into the next generation. All the photos I take, the things I write, the personal library I’m curating are all going to be utterly meaningless when I die. I am not leaving a mark on this earth that people will remember in a hundred years. And I’ve made my peace with that.

But, that means every second counts. Every moment I am here, I have to be the one celebrating me. I have to be the one looking back, learning from the past to change the future. I am prophecy and I am hindsight and I hold both of these things in my hands simultaneously. I am my most faithful follower, and I owe it to her to live deliciously.

But like also, damn girl, do the dishes.

what i’ve been reading

At the end of last year when I looked at my final stats, I heaved a great sigh of relief and thought to myself, Wow, I’ll never read that much in a year ever again, thank goodness. And then god laughed and here I am, four months into 2025, and I’ve already read over 40 books. Which puts me on track to read about the same amount I read last year, if I keep this up. You have to laugh!!

The Husky and His White Cat Shizun: Erha He Ta De Bai Mao Shizun (Vol 1-8)
by Rou Bao Bu Chi Rou
Adult Chinese Queer/Danmei Fantasy (MATURE!!!!!)

“Right and wrong, good and evil — none of it was clearly divided; none so easy to discern.”

Listen, I can’t in good faith recommend this series. To put it frankly, there is an obscene amount of graphic sexual abuse in this series. It’s jaw-dropping. It’s disturbing. However. This is also currently my favorite read(s) of the year. I fell into a very deep obsession with this series because it is above all, a story about love and second chances and atonement. It resonated with me quite a bit, and I felt deeply seen. I think this story speaks a lot to the complexity of human nature, how good and evil is often just one big murky gray area, how you cannot outrun your past- but you can try to overcome it.

Again, I DO NOT recommend this series unless you’re okay with mature content, but if I was going to recommend some comp titles, I do think it’s perfect for fans of C.S. Pacat, specifically Captive Prince and Dark Rise. Please triple check the content warnings.

Click here for my series review on GR
Click here for my video “discussion”

Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice by Leah Laksh Piepzna-Samarasinha
Non-fiction Essay Collection

“It’s not about self-care—it’s about collective care. Collective care means shifting our organizations to be ones where people feel fine if they get sick, cry, have needs, start late because the bus broke down, move slower, ones where there’s food at meetings, people work from home—and these aren’t things we apologize for. It is the way we do the work, which centers disabled-femme-of-color ways of being in the world, where many of us have often worked from our sickbeds, our kid beds, or our too-crazy-to-go-out-today beds. Where we actually care for each other and don’t leave each other behind. Which is what we started with, right?”

I’m embarrassed to admit that this book was eye-opening for me. It shouldn’t be, I should know more about disability, but here we are. And while I still have a long way to go on my disability education, I’m so appreciative to the author for writing this. It gave me a lot to reflect on, and I know it’s something I’ll return to frequently in the future. I think everybody should read it. It’s such a vital look at disability justice, and more than that it advocates for the kind of world I hope we can build, one that is about community and care rather than individualism.

Gifted and Talented by Olivie Blake
Adult Meta Fabulism

“The way she only inhabited the person she thought of as herself if she was feeling someone else’s pain. Their grief. Their anger. Their debilitating joy. Their delusory love. Their cruel and unrelenting fate. How beautifully she could carry the suffering of others, wearing their misery so she didn’t have to acknowledge her own...Translating the human experience which was itself full of badness, so that she never had to hold her own badness for too long.”

This has been on my list since it was announced because it’s inspired by Succession. While I wanted to be optimistic about it, I was terrified that it wouldn’t live up to the expectations we all put upon it. That said…I was delighted to discover that this book really hit the mark for me. It’s not a perfect book, but I went into it hoping to be entertained and boy was I ever. What I didn’t expect, although maybe I should have, was Olivie Blake’s trademark meta-magic. I love how she plays with narrative (it’s one of my favorite things about her as an author), and she did not disappoint with this one. But more than that, it really resonated with me because it’s all about the gifted & talented kids who grow into “this is me trying” adults, and since I myself am 29, teetering on the edge of 30, I felt just a little called out!!!!

Click here for my GR review

One Day, Everyone Will Have Always Been Against This by Omar El Akkad
Non-fiction

“It is a hallmark of failing societies, I’ve learned, this requirement that one always be in possession of a valid reason to exist.”

There really isn’t much for me to say about this book that can’t be said by the book itself. It’s a journalist’s reflection on Gaza and Palestine, and it lays out a lot of important points about the hypocrisy of Western liberals. It’s a vital addition to the Free Palestine movement. I think everybody needs to read it.

Voices from Chernobyl: The Oral History of a Nuclear Disaster by Svetlana Alexievich
Non-fiction Historical Collection

“What else will I say? You have to live. That's all.”

Okay, so I’m still (kinda) reading War and Peace but I wanted to finish a translation book this month, so I spontaneously grabbed this from my TBR and it worked out great because the anniversary of the Chernobyl disaster is April 26th. This is such a gut-wrenching read, obviously, but it’s really important because it’s mostly just first-hand accounts of the disaster. It’s filled with interviews and monologues from people who were devastated by this disaster, and more than anything, I think it forces you to grapple with the effects of such a horrific experience. Yes, there are descriptions of what happened, of all the horrors, but it’s almost more unsettling to hear about the people who had to keep on living, who lost their homes, who lost themselves due to one country’s negligence.

what i’ve been listening to

Maybe it’s because I’m turning thirty (DID I MENTION I’M TURNING 30 ON MY BIRTHDAY NEXT WEEK), but I’ve been digging deep into some throwback hits. I’m still listening to the new releases from this year (the industry is really showing up this year and I’m here for it), but truthfully, I miss the music scene from 2020. I almost want to go back in time. (Almost.) Lots of pop music. Lots of screaming at the top of my lungs in my car. Vibes are all over the place as usual.

how i’m feeling now by Charli XCX

For absolutely zero reason whatsoever, my brain remembered that this album is turning five in May, so I flipped it on the other day and now I cannot stop listening to it. I loved it when it first released, but I love it even more now, I think. Absolute genius record. Need to buy it on CD. Current repeats include, “visions,” “party 4 u,” and “i finally understand.”

The Crux by Djo

This was one of my most anticipated albums of the year, and it did not disappoint!! I have a feeling Djo is finally gonna end up on my wrapped and I cannot wait. Current stand-outs include “Link,” “Lonesome is a State of Mind,” and “Back On You.”

SABLE, fABLE by Bon Iver

I don’t think I’ve been so in love with a new Bon Iver release since their self-titled came out. Even though I love 22, A Million, that album really had to grow on me, and I still haven’t come around to i,i. But for some reason, this album feels like stepping into the sunlight and basking in its glow. It’s compulsively listenable. I just turn it on my drive to work and find that I don’t want to turn it off. It’s a masterpiece. Favorites right now include, “Everything Is Peaceful Love,” “Day One,” “There’s a Rhythm.”

“Float” & “Haute” by Janelle Monae

I’m so sorry Janelle, I did not appreciate The Age of Pleasure when it was released. I’m here now. I’m obsessed. Honestly this is the energy I want to bring into my thirties, ngl.

“YIPPEE-KI-YAY.” by Kesha

Listen, I may be done with my twenties, but I am still a Kesha stan through and through. Nobody makes trash pop hits like this bitch. And this single features my beloved T-Pain? Instant hit in my household. “I’m hella smooth like Miller Lite.” “Edison couldn’t get this lit.” “The only ten I see is this barefoot baddie from Tennessee.” Who is doing it like her.

“Everybody’s trying to figure me out” by HAIM

There is a nonzero chance that this album will make it onto my favorites list. I’ve had this song on repeat for weeks. I love the direction this band is going, mainly because it sounds really similar to Women in Music. I honestly have no idea what this song is saying, but I feel it.

“After the Afterparty” by Charli XCX

Unclear why I’m back on a Charli kick. Maybe now that people stopped talking about brat I can finally go back to enjoying her in peace on my own. This is an oldie from 2016, but it’s one of my all-time favorites of hers. Something about “glitter in my underwear” really gets me, ya know?

“Yuck” by Charli XCX

I’ll be totally honest, I think this could be the reason I’ve been listening to Charli so much recently…I remembered this song and immediately ascribed it to Chu Wanning from Erha. Oops.

“Sexxx Dreams” by Lady GaGa

I was listening to Chromatica recently because I was back in a 2020 mood, which got me on a GaGa kick, so then I turned on ARTPOP, and I realized I never really listened to this song before (probably because I myself do not have sex dreams lol) but I have to say…this is a banger.

“Touching Yourself” by The Japanese House

Looking back on these selections, a lot of these songs have sexual undertones so I guess that’s the vibe right now? But seriously, this song is such a vibe and I am still listening to this album. Obsessed.

“CUNTISSIMO” by MARINA

Now listen, this is a bad song. It’s not good. It’s not anywhere close to MARINA’s best work. However. I cannot deny, it is a bop. She’s serving.

“How Bad Do U Want Me” by Lady Gaga

You heard it here first folks, 180-Jenna is back and eating her words. I still do not vibe with MAYHEM (I’m sorry Mother Monster ily) but…in Charli’s words, I finally understand. Unfortunately, I concede that this is a hit.

“Revolving Door” by Tate McRae

The pop girlies will not let me go, and even though I don’t think this song is particularly ground-breaking, I cannot stop listening to it. I keep coming back!!! Like a goddamn revolving door!!!! (Also, the video is just…insane.)

“twilight zone” by Ariana Grande

Ari is very hit or miss for me, and overall I think a lot of her albums are just boring. But this song…Max Martin is a professional, and he really did something here. It’s such a great vibe.

“End of the World” by Miley Cyrus

On the one hand, I want more from this song than it’s giving. On the other hand, it feels reminiscent of “Time of Our Lives” and I can’t stop singing it, so it’s a keeper.