When I celebrated my birthday on the second, one of my friends asked me how it felt being thirty, if it was any different than being in your twenties. And I know it’s difficult to say that you feel DIFFERENT on your birthday, because honestly it’s just another day, but I do firmly believe I feel different in my thirties.
I wrote up a big long memory post for my twenties (see here), and I started it with a quote from Guillermo Del Toro that I’ve thought about often in the past few years. It’s basically about how GDT never felt worse than he did in his twenties. And yeah, I’ve only been thirty for a few weeks (and my poor body already is breaking down), but I get it now. I feel like I’ve entered the promised land.
It almost felt like this pressure valve got released when I moved out of my twenties. Like sure, I’m still stressed and anxious and worried about the future and all that, but somehow everything feels less…pressing. I can see time stretched out in front of me, and isn’t that incredible?
I care a little bit less - what people think, what I look like, what I’m supposed to be doing - and yet, I feel a little more - younger, freer, bolder. Even though there’s grief in turning thirty, in knowing we’re all getting closer to the end, in knowing that my parents are turning gray and I’m going to eventually stop going to concerts and one day I will have to deal with my retirement fund, I really do feel a lot better.
Being in your twenties - especially your early and mid twenties - feels like you’re suffocating and you’re running a race and you’re bursting at the seams. You feel like you’ll never live the life you want, even though in many ways you’re only now starting to experience true adult freedom. But now that I’m out of it, looking back on the last ten years, I just feel like I finally am starting to figure things out. Finally! Wow!
I’ve been busy as hell this month.
The great news is, my freelance business is popping off, and I’m finally starting to work with my web designer (!!!), and I have a lot to look forward to this summer. The not so great news is, I definitely am a little burnt out. I slowed down on reading this month, which is fine because I’ve already read 50 books this year, and I finally was able to watch some TV. But I had to cancel a trip because of a flat tire (boo), and even though I was bummed, I was also a little relieved. Because all my weekends are booked and I spend most of my nights editing photos or videos and I’m so tired that I can fall asleep within minutes of my head hitting the pillow. (Let’s not talk about how I wake up at 2am almost every night with some kind of deranged night terror…)
It’s like, I’m super blessed and happy and all that, but good lord all I want is to have the time and freedom to pick up a physical paperback and just scribble in it. I’m already counting down the days until I’m in the PNW with my best friend at the end of June.
Also I need you all to know, that JBrekkie shirt I’m wearing above (the black and white one) is my new favorite shirt. I’d wear it every single day if I could.
what i’ve been reading
Okay, I’ll be honest. I’ve been off my reading game this month. But I made it a good four months of reading A LOT, so I’m not that mad. I was just super busy this month with traveling and friends and freelance work. So it’s amazing I still managed to read every single day! And I read a bunch of bangers.
My Friends by Fredrik Backman
“You mustn’t think about the fact that [life] might end, because then you live like a coward, you never love too much or sing too loudly. You have to take it for granted, the artist thinks, the whole thing: sunrises and slow Sunday mornings and water balloons and another person’s breath against your neck. That’s the only courageous thing a person can do.”
After I read Beartown last month, I really wanted to pick up more Backman and it just so happened that he had a new book release this month! I assumed I would enjoy this because it’s about *FRIENDSHIP* and we all know I love that…but I cannot stress to you how much I adore this book. It altered the chemistry of my brain. It’s currently my favorite book of the year. I can’t really write about it eloquently, so check out my GR review for my full thoughts. I sobbed for the last 40 minutes of the audiobook. It ruined me. It’s in my top 20 books of all time. Read it.
A Place for Us by Fatima Farheen Mirza
“What happens in this life is not final. There is another. And maybe there, we will get another chance. Maybe there we will get it right. I will see you again someday. I believe that. If not in this life, then in the next, the angel will blow into the shell, the soul of every being that ever lived will rise, and our sins will be accounted for, and our good deeds too.”
Nobody told me what I was getting into when I picked this up, but two of my friends recommended it to me and told me it would make me cry. Cut to me on an airplane to Dallas on a Friday night, sobbing into my face mask. This is a backlist title from 2018 that nobody talks about but everybody should be reading. It’s from Sarah Jessica Parker’s imprint (?!) and it’s such a beautiful awful wonderful horrible book about family and the Muslim-American experience. You too can weep on a plane if you pick this up!!!!
Lonely Castle in the Mirror by Mizuki Tsujimura
“Memories were not the only thing she’d take away from here. The not-quite one year she’d spent here would remain. And making friends like these would be what sustained her. I do have friends, she told herself. Even if I never make any more, I’ll know I did have friends. Right here. Right now. And I’ll have that for the rest of my life.”
I saw someone reading this on my GR feed and since I’m reading translated lit this year, I was so excited to pick this up. A lot of the reviews have compared it to a Ghibli film, and even though I was weary of that moniker…they were right. This is such a rare and beautiful book that leans into fabulism and meta-ness, and yet it’s incredibly simple and abstract. And of course, it’s about FRIENDSHIP! This is a stellar five star read, and I want everybody to read it. (A common theme this month it would seem.)
Black Box by Shiori Itō
“Unless we call out things that we see as abnormal, we have no choice but to accept the wanton fate that befalls us. If we remain silent, whatever problems we face will continue to be reflected, like a mirror, for the rest of our own lives as well as the lives of generations to come.”
This has been on my TBR for years, after a friend recommended it to me in the wake of the documentary release. So I did a double feature - I read the book and then watched the doc, and obviously, I sobbed! This is such an important story, about a Japanese journalist who was forced to seek out her own justice when the Japanese justice system refused to help her after she was raped. Women are so fucking strong and every day it amazes me just how far we have to go to fight back against the patriarchy.
Bing An Ben Vol 1 by Meatbun Doesn’t Eat Meat
“Sooner or later, you’ll have to depend on yourself to walk out of the shadows in your heart.”
Listen, you guys know I’ve been reading a bunch of danmei this year. I’ve heard rumors that this series is Meatbun’s most deranged series, so I’m very curious to see where it goes, but I really just wanted to relive my Erha high before Vol 9 drops in July. So. Here we are. Objectively this is already super questionable, and I don’t actually recommend this to anyone. But did I have fun? Absolutely. Will I be reading the other volumes soon? You bet!!
what i’ve been listening to
Do you ever have those months where you look around and think, wait…what did I even do this month? That’s what May was in terms of music. I have no recollection of picking songs for my playlists or commutes. I don’t even think I listened to that much music, but I have the stats to prove I did! And shockingly, it was a lot of just one artist. Try to guess which one.
“The Dress” by Dijon
I was introduced to this song like four years ago by someone I don’t talk to anymore, but I put it on the playlist this month because Dijon featured on the new Bon Iver album and this song is actually good. This song is like if John Legend was groovier and a little more pop/alternative. Excellent vibes.
“Down to be wrong” by HAIM
What can I say, all the HAIM singles are hitting. I’m super psyched for the new album to drop next month.
“Picture Window” by Japanese Breakfast
Not that I didn’t like this song when it first dropped, but the beginning is a little aggressive compared to the rest of the album. But when I heard this live a few weeks ago, I fell deeply in love. Are you not afraid of every waking minute / that your life could pass you by?
“No Problems” and “Show 10” by Ginger Root
It is so rare that you go to a show and are (almost) more impressed with the openers than the main act…but Ginger Root absolutely stole the JBrekkie show for me. Insane production and state presence, super catchy tunes, they’re the whole package. They have awesome visuals that go with their music, so if you’re bored and you like Djo meets Depeche-Mode elevator music but make it Asian…check them out immediately.
“North Poles” by Samia
I haven’t listened to the full Samia album yet (I know, boo me) because a lot of Samia’s stuff is hit or miss for me, but this is a MASSIVE hit. It’s such a beautiful little song, and it’s already gone #1 in my house. We love songs about friendship!!
“Silver Deliverer” by Aly & AJ
The new Aly & AJ came out on my birthday (!!), and even though I’m not a huge fan of it (sorry), the production on this song reminds me a lot of Katie Pruitt and I am deeply obsessed with these vibes. I don’t even know what it’s about, but I could listen to it forever.
“Only Living Girl in LA” by Halsey
Okay, yes yes, I saw Halsey twice in concert this month. We had tickets to Dallas and then I made a last minute decision to see them in Nashville from the pit. So I’ve been diving into the whole discography again, and I always forget that she’s one of my top five most played artists. This song is so simple but I cannot stop listening to it.
“Ashley” by Halsey
This is an oldie from Manic, but I think it feels like a partner song to “LA.” I love the chorus and the lyrics and the overall vibes.
“Hand That Feeds” by Halsey & Amy Lee
In a shocking turn of events, this single dropped this month and then Ashley heard my prayers and brought out THE AMY LEE at my Nashville tour stop. I’m still baffled. Amy’s a bucketlist artist for me (ask me about how Fallen impacted me at age 10) and I never thought I’d get to see her live. This song is so addicting and I love both of these artists so much. WE ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE THEM!
“The Great Impersonator” by Halsey
I’m a firm believer that you should allow yourself to fall in love with an artist or a song after you’ve heard it live first. Even though I listened to this a few times before tour, it wasn’t until we heard it live in Dallas that it finally CLICKED for me. This is Ashley’s attempt at Björk (ish) and it’s sufficiently experimental, but the more I listen to it now, the more I fall in love with it. DOES A STORY DIE WITH ITS NARRATOR!!!!
“Sue Me” by Audrey Hobert
Admittedly, this is a bad song. It’s just silly girl pop. (And yes, this is Gracie Abrams cousin.) But if you know anything about me, this is exactly the kind of trashy song that I cannot get out of my head. Sue me I wanna be wanted!!!!
what i’ve been watching
BIG NEWS EVERYBODY! I watched a whole season of a television show this month!!!! I know, you should be proud.
I also watched the season finale of 911 (I skipped the 3 episodes before that because they sounded…traumatic…), and without spoiling anybody let me just say…that show is dead to me. 🖤
THE PITT (HBO)
A deeply accurate depiction of a Pittsburg emergency room where each hour-long episode showcases an hour of an ER shift in real-time
The real stars of the show this month are my good friends and colleagues of The Pitt!! My friends have been badgering me to watch this for weeks, and I saved it so I could start it with a friend who came to visit. We binged the first seven episodes together and then I spent a week devouring the rest of the season. It’s incredible television, and I totally understand the hype now. It touches on a lot of heavy topics (Post-COVID PTSD especially), and it will make you cry, but it’s just brilliant. It’s one of those shows that you can’t really explain, you just have to watch it to understand. I am already seated for season 2.
Also, I can’t stop watching behind the scenes content because holy shit.
substacks i’ve been loving
Issue 122: The Reading Life of... Charlee Brooks
“But I believe books are meant to be used. To be lived in. I don’t want a shelf full of untouched artifacts—I want a library of worn, loved objects, bursting with life. Books should breathe. I want mine to tell a story of how they moved me, how I loved them and if that ruffles feathers, so be it.”
the intimacy of never talking again
“We didn’t just lose each other. We erased each other. But the ghost stayed.”
It's insane that coffee tables are meant to be curated flat lays of our entire identities
“I like to get friends a magazine from the month and year they were born for their birthday. It’s fun to flip through at the party, and an interesting window into the world they were born into.”
It's my birthday, and I'm thinking about Future
“In the next year, I hope there’s love everywhere I look. So much love that I can’t help but breathe it in. On the days when my soul is under duress, may love remind me who I am. I wish for love to continually show me the future can hold more good than what we’ve been handed. That the real monsters are those who have yet to witness this love. My birthday tells me there’s still time for them, too.”
memes to make you giggle
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When I was in Dallas a few weeks ago, me and my friends could not stop quoting this TikTok and now I fear it is apart of my vocabulary forever. I was then shot 57 times.
